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It Was Never About My Body

I’ve monitored every morsel

I’ve logged hours on the treadmill at times I should really be asleep

I’ve turned on the shower to hide the sound of vomit

Thin was never thin enough

A never ending cycle


After two decades

I’ve realized it was never really about my body

Ive healed harmful habits

But my thoughts have remained dangerous

Why is it that twenty years later my obsession hasn’t ended

It is very much alive

I think it’s because

It was really about

Shame so deep

It founds it’s way into my bones

Ran through my veins

So sneaky

It reprogrammed by mind


I never knew

My eating disorder wasn’t about eating

It was about worthiness

Or my lack of it

It was about fear so deep you could call it terror

It was about control or my lack of it


That I wouldn’t belong or be loved

As me

Now I see clearly

My body was never wrong

I was in a lot of pain

About big things

And so I controlled my body

In an attempt to hold onto something

Finally it’s no longer a question whether I’m lovable or worthy

I’ve found it inside

Because I have nothing to prove


Photo byTaylor SmithonUnsplash


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